Officer Tilthead drove me to the scene of the arrest. Made me ID the perps (or not) right in the paddy wagon. No lineup at the station. Just opened the back door and pointed in there, where three faces were glowering at me out of the dark, their eyes intent and glowing like opossums’ when your headlights light them up aside a night road, but with more shame and anger at being caught. “Is that them?” asked the Fuzz…
On this Memorial Day, remember that you can honor someone who meant a lot to you by buying them a headstone if they don’t have one. It’s good for the soul to think about somebody else for a change. Blows the blues away, temporarily anyway.
I’m sick today, and therefore immobilized in my apartment. Boring. Not just that, but I experienced a terrific cringe yesterday because of Google’s unfunny, painfully out-of-it April Fool’s joke (the Topeka thing). It was your grandpa’s April Fool’s joke. These two conditions: Flu-like symptoms plus full-body cringe thanks to Google, put me to mind of [...]
“It’s not ‘all good’ when half the world’s population is going to hell because they’re not saying the rosary.”
I stun panhandlers who ask me for money by shushing them, my forefinger placed vertically in front of my mouth: “Shhhhh!” They stay stunned long enough for me to get away down the street without enduring further harassment.
TWO TOURISTS FROM DAYTON, OHIO, GET ON THE ELEVATOR AT THE HILTON GARDEN INN IN CENTER CITY PHILADELPHIA. THE ABOVE MENU IS POSTED ON THE WALL, ADVERTISING THE NIGHT’S OFFERINGS IN THE HILTON’S RESTAURANT. WOMAN: “Oh, Harve! They have the real Philly-style beef cheesesteaks here! We should try one, since we’re in Philly! Kath from [...]
One day coming out of my South Philly apartment, I noticed a flyer taped to the streetlight post out front. It said: $10,000 REWARD For Information On June 12, Salvatore Sudanimmo’s beautiful red 1999 Oldsmobile Bravada was put on fire and destroyed, right in front of his home at 142 South Hicks Street. We don’t [...]
Jo and Theresa were, I would soon find out, partners in business and life. These Sicilian-American sapphists from a few blocks away were fulfilling the dream of owning their own French restaurant.
Read South Philly: Women \ South Philly: The Italian Market NOTE: I don’t want to make fun of the denizens of South Philly in these stories. So if it seems like that’s what I’m doing, you must be bad at reading, because I just told you the score, i.e., no. In this one you might [...]
Read South Philly: Some Comedy \ South Philly: Women Tediously, everything in Philadelphia is reputed to be the oldest/first/original specimen of its genus in America.* First hospital, first zoo, first liberty bell, first beer distillery, first raising of the middle finger. Often (OK, always) these firsts come with some conditions: First university! (Well, okay, the [...]
