The slobberiest sycophants are often simultaneously the worst backbiters.

The less important someone is, the longer they need to talk on their cell phone.

It’s sad when good-looking people die.

Community is a myth.

Hate is the answer.

Rehearsing for a show is like gay sex: Tedious, hollow, humiliating, repetitive, fruitless and pointless-seeming. An insult to the real thing.

The “Millennial” Generation are so imbecilic that none of them can even spell the name of their own generation correctly.

Do the things that worst frighten you so that you can brag afterward about how courageous you are.

Someone advised: “Be the boyfriend you want to have.” Well, no, obviously. I will follow this advice instead: “Be the entertainer you want to be a fan of.”

You say: “judgmental.” I say: “smart.”

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