Committing suicide is rude.
There don’t seem to be enough hours in the day to do all the things I wish I didn’t have to do.
Souls come in the wrong bodies sometimes.
I want to become famous mainly in order to get revenge on people.
Crazy people always sit right in the front row at lectures.
My anger energizes me and fuels all that I do.
You can teach an old dog new tricks, but he will almost certainly forget them right away.
I consider what is done against me by one person to be done against me by all people, so it doesn’t matter who gets punished.
In the gay world, the milk of human kindness is sour.
Loud people are dumb.
You have unlimited chances to make a first impression if you know how to use disguises.
It is just a coincidence that as homosexuality becomes more accepted in society, the polar ice caps are starting to melt rapidly.
Only do favors for people if they sign a contract stating they will reciprocate.
It’s just as easy to marry a sane person as an insane person.
Given the alternatives, you might as well believe in Heaven.
“Busy” is not an acceptable alibi, excuse, or answer.
Meeting someone for the first time by going on a date is so contrived that it borders on the unnatural.
You should always take the safest route.
A lot of people in the world need their asses kicked.
I am married to my own bitterness.
Remembering is editing.
Everyone’s sexuality is gross.
You probably don’t know this, but it’s kind of embarrassing to bleed profusely in front of other people.
Everyone is allowed to be biased against one — only one — group. Any more than that and it’s a pattern and people will hate you.
I am surprised how many opportunities I’ve gotten in my career on account of someone had a crush on someone.
Earn your ego trips.
The things you tell yourself construct the prison you think is your destiny.
Everything’s interconnected; so what?
Whenever You honk the horn, God, I’ll be ready to go.
Don’t tell me what to dream.
Old habits don’t die, hard or otherwise; they just go on long vacations sometimes.
Always rehearse out loud for others, because the acoustics are too perfect inside your own head.
You are fatter than you think.
Crying helps one relax.
Makeup is the great leveler.
I want to be paid to just be me.
All the notable things I’ve accomplished are covered in Houdini dust.
People with certainty behind their statements used to make me nervous.
Reading is for lazy people.
It can’t be much of an “epiphany” if you can’t even remember it two hours later.
Smiling only makes it easier for people to hit their target when they kick you in the teeth.
Remember this: money and time are imaginary: non-things.
I’m a glass-half-full-of-liquified-dread/glass-half-empty-of-all-meaning kind of person.
It doesn’t matter where you start, because you will have millions of mini-startovers before the end.
Safety lasts forever.
Don’t think of it as a shameful addiction: Think of it as a secret hobby.
It’s not that I’m demonic, it’s just that God is using me in a different way than He uses you.
The world would be better if people just admitted it when they did something wrong, and punishments were always fair.
Inevitably every place I live, every job I have, everything I “touch” seems like junk to me because I am in it, and I am worthless junk.
Receiving lots of rejection means the long-range plan is working.
Celebrity is wasted on the celebrated.
You should play hard to get, not hard to get rid of.
When you have everything you need in life, you get the feeling you don’t have anything you need in life.
You can’t unflop a flop.
True commitment to art can only be proved by crying on stage.
You are allowed to ridicule your own hometown but not the hometowns of others. Exception: Everyone is allowed to ridicule Philadelphia.
Suffer in silence.
Just be your selves. Be all of them.
I am what you would call a “high-class problem.”
No one has ever said, “You know what? The stalking worked. I love you.”
The opposite of hurting someone’s feelings must be to help someone’s feelings.
You’d be surprised how hard it is to tell a story in a way that simply makes sense, let alone blows anyone’s mind.
Nobody just gives you anything. You have to dig everything out super painfully like they used to dig bullets out with knives in the Wild West.
’Tis better to friend and be defriended than never to have been friended at all.
When people have big ears it means they are generous.
Everybody’s just trying to get along in the world.
You’re only as good as the worst photo of you.
People who whistle are dangerous sociopaths.
The only fully enjoyable season is autumn.
Weekends are boring and lonely.
Tall people are unclean.
If life hands you lemons, hand them back and say, “I don’t want these. Give me something else.”
I would rather talk to famous people than non-famous; they’re more interesting.
No longer do I care how people “vote” on me individually, I am aiming at the masses now.
A day without guilt is like a day without… Actually I have no idea what a day without guilt is like.
Sometimes, in the real world, so-called victims got what they deserved.
It’s easy to be pro-gay when you’re not gay.
Stay within your league.
Loneliness is a tragedy.
You can teach and learn timing; not instincts. And timing without instincts gets you nowhere.
The people who want to die but are healthy should switch places with the people who are dying but want to live.
“Find my voice”? No. I’m trying to lose my voice.
Everybody has a story, but only certain people should be allowed to tell theirs.
There’s no “u” in fame. But there is “me.”
You owe me a lot, World. Start with an apology.
I am a workaholic. But I am also an alcoholic and a rageaholic. I buy workahol by the six-pack, but I buy alcohol and rageahol by the case.
The whole problem with me is that no one ever had the courage to say to me, “You know, why don’t you shut up?” They laughed instead, relieved the harangues were directed at someone else — secretly afraid they would be next. Like the ordinary Germans who let the Holocaust happen.
Homosexuality presents like addiction.
I’ve done the long math, and found that romantic attachments are not worth the risk. So, that’s settled.
Performers necessarily balance their urge to share with an indifference to what people think.
I am amazed how many of my friends have told me they are waiting for their parents to die before they commit suicide.
There is a special place in Purgatory for people who can dish it out but cannot take it. Either they stop dishing or start taking, or they will stay there forever.
You can keep your personal life chaotically unstable by making sure that every day you say something you can never take back.
I happen to like free speech, the freer the better. No one should shut up.
“H8” is a pretty strong “word.”
I resolve to stop feeling proud of how mean I am. Pride is a mortal sin.
Dying is scary because you understand that everyone and everything you know is going to go away.
Gay couples don’t last long because Nature does nothing to bind them together.
Things would be very different if someone loved me.
Life is too long to worry about little things.
I don’t hate nobody, I hate nobodies.
People don’t have picnics on bulldozers.
When my defense mechanisms crash against yours, someone has to lose.
If I can figure out why I find almost everyone boring, it will unlock me.
Bullying turns innocent children gay.
Depression is like sitting in a lukewarm bath.
I’ve never been in love, but I have a couple of exes who claim it’s possible.
I like my governments the way I like my men: Bloated, financially insolvent, out of control in every way.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but certain other cities were.
Torture is wrong, and being wrong is torture.
Always complain, never explain.
I am a tough victim, so blame me, I can take it.
Chores come last.
The world is a scary place when you’re just an amalgam of various fears and addictions, like those clumpy multicolor clay figures from the ’70s.
People who “just don’t like the taste of” coffee and/or alcohol are suspect; there is usually something else majorly wrong with them, too.
Astrology is an ancient science. Respect it.
It’s quaint how every audience loves it loudly if you mention some place nearby — a neighborhood, a road, but especially colleges.
Being rich and famous cannot completely protect you from the bad guys.
Everyone hates cops… until they need one.
God knows.
Meeting me, you might obviously fall in love with me. That’s what it’s all about.
The more I earn the right to be a diva, the less interested I am in
being a diva.
Eating is embarrassing.
No one knows how sad my sads are, how angry my angries, how crazy my crazies.
I do want what I haven’t got.
It’s so easy to destroy relationships and burn bridges. Fun, too.
I only smile when I cry.
Never ask a gay couple where they met.
Do I believe in God? Of course: I believe in everyone.
scottmichaelshrake is a Native American word meaning “he will kill you if you ignore him.”
You have been discriminated against many times without knowing it.
I am disturbed by things with “Part 1” in their title that were never followed by a Part 2.
“I wasn’t bored” is just about the best review you can ever get.
I say a lot of things I don’t believe, but I stand by everything I say.
Work is the best part of life.
Adults regulate their feelings.
When artists “get sober” they “get boring.”
I am not just your average narcissist; I am a billion times cooler than all the other narcissists combined.
When you compete with yourself, half of you loses.
An imaginary deal is still a deal!
On the long, long journey away from having a love life, the anger is the last thing to disappear, but when it goes, you’re finally absolutely free.
Being on the wrong side of history is cooler.
Being gay is not worth dying for.
The slobberiest sycophants are often simultaneously the worst backbiters.
The less important someone is, the longer they need to talk on their cell phone.
It’s sad when good-looking people die.
Community is a myth.
Hate is the answer.
Rehearsing for a show is like gay sex: Tedious, hollow, humiliating, repetitive, fruitless and pointless-seeming. An insult to the real thing.
The “Millennial” Generation are so imbecilic that none of them can even spell the name of their own generation correctly.
Do the things that worst frighten you so that you can brag afterward about how courageous you are.
Someone advised: “Be the boyfriend you want to have.” Well, no, obviously. I will follow this advice instead: “Be the entertainer you want to be a fan of.”
You say: “judgmental.” I say: “smart.”
It is O.K. to be an unhappy person.
They’re not LIES, they’re DREAMS.
He travels fastest who travels alone.
If you can’t say anything interesting, don’t say anything at all.
Drag (tranvestitism for entertainment purposes) is a form of minstrelsy.
Being in a romantic relationship makes the participants proud because it is “public unrejectedness.”
Maybe if homosexuality had been as acceptable when I was a kid as it is becoming now, I would have elected to be heterosexual.
You make do with the boring rut because the chance of completely messing up your life is too great when you change things.
The meek shall inherit the earth. From me, when I die.
Distorted thinking gives you material.
Wasting lots of food means you’re rich.
Having the power to hurt people’s feelings is the best.
I think we’ve all been polite toward the audience long enough.
Smart people are fat.
I have matching persecution and prosecution complexes.
Remember that when you ask the creators of an acknowledged classic if they knew it would become a classic as they were creating it, they should always say no. If they say yes, it’s not really a classic.
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