Committing suicide is rude.

There don’t seem to be enough hours in the day to do all the things I wish I didn’t have to do.

Souls come in the wrong bodies sometimes.

I want to become famous mainly in order to get revenge on people.

Crazy people always sit right in the front row at lectures.

My anger energizes me and fuels all that I do.

You can teach an old dog new tricks, but he will almost certainly forget them right away.

I consider what is done against me by one person to be done against me by all people, so it doesn’t matter who gets punished.

In the gay world, the milk of human kindness is sour.

Loud people are dumb.

You have unlimited chances to make a first impression if you know how to use disguises.

It is just a coincidence that as homosexuality becomes more accepted in society, the polar ice caps are starting to melt rapidly.

Only do favors for people if they sign a contract stating they will reciprocate.

It’s just as easy to marry a sane person as an insane person.

Given the alternatives, you might as well believe in Heaven.

“Busy” is not an acceptable alibi, excuse, or answer.

Meeting someone for the first time by going on a date is so contrived that it borders on the unnatural.

You should always take the safest route.

A lot of people in the world need their asses kicked.

I am married to my own bitterness.

Old habits don’t die, hard or otherwise; they just go on long vacations sometimes.

Always rehearse out loud for others, because the acoustics are too perfect inside your own head.

You are fatter than you think.

Crying helps one relax.

Makeup is the great leveler.

I want to be paid to just be me.

All the notable things I’ve accomplished are covered in Houdini dust.

People with certainty behind their statements used to make me nervous.

Reading is for lazy people.

It can’t be much of an “epiphany” if you can’t even remember it two hours later.

Smiling only makes it easier for people to hit their target when they kick you in the teeth.

Remember this: money and time are imaginary: non-things.

I’m a glass-half-full-of-liquified-dread/glass-half-empty-of-all-meaning kind of person.

It doesn’t matter where you start, because you will have millions of mini-startovers before the end.

Safety lasts forever.

Don’t think of it as a shameful addiction: Think of it as a secret hobby.

It’s not that I’m demonic, it’s just that God is using me in a different way than He uses you.

The world would be better if people just admitted it when they did something wrong, and punishments were always fair.

Inevitably every place I live, every job I have, everything I “touch” seems like junk to me because I am in it, and I am worthless junk.

Receiving lots of rejection means the long-range plan is working.

Celebrity is wasted on the celebrated.

You should play hard to get, not hard to get rid of.

When you have everything you need in life, you get the feeling you don’t have anything you need in life.

You can’t unflop a flop.

True commitment to art can only be proved by crying on stage.

You are allowed to ridicule your own hometown but not the hometowns of others. Exception: Everyone is allowed to ridicule Philadelphia.

Suffer in silence.

Just be your selves. Be all of them.

I am what you would call a “high-class problem.”

No one has ever said, “You know what? The stalking worked. I love you.”

The opposite of hurting someone’s feelings must be to help someone’s feelings.

You’d be surprised how hard it is to tell a story in a way that simply makes sense, let alone blows anyone’s mind.

Nobody just gives you anything. You have to dig everything out super painfully like they used to dig bullets out with knives in the Wild West.

’Tis better to friend and be defriended than never to have been friended at all.

When people have big ears it means they are generous.

Everybody’s just trying to get along in the world.

You’re only as good as the worst photo of you.

People who whistle are dangerous sociopaths.

The only fully enjoyable season is autumn.

Weekends are boring and lonely.

Tall people are unclean.

If life hands you lemons, hand them back and say, “I don’t want these. Give me something else.”

I would rather talk to famous people than non-famous; they’re more interesting.

No longer do I care how people “vote” on me individually, I am aiming at the masses now.

A day without guilt is like a day without… Actually I have no idea what a day without guilt is like.

Sometimes, in the real world, so-called victims got what they deserved.

It’s easy to be pro-gay when you’re not gay.

Stay within your league.

Loneliness is a tragedy.

You can teach and learn timing; not instincts. And timing without instincts gets you nowhere.

The people who want to die but are healthy should switch places with the people who are dying but want to live.

“Find my voice”? No. I’m trying to lose my voice.

Everybody has a story, but only certain people should be allowed to tell theirs.

There’s no “u” in fame. But there is “me.”

You owe me a lot, World. Start with an apology.

I am a workaholic. But I am also an alcoholic and a rageaholic. I buy workahol by the six-pack, but I buy alcohol and rageahol by the case.

The whole problem with me is that no one ever had the courage to say to me, “You know, why don’t you shut up?” They laughed instead, relieved the harangues were directed at someone else — secretly afraid they would be next. Like the ordinary Germans who let the Holocaust happen.

Homosexuality presents like addiction.

I’ve done the long math, and found that romantic attachments are not worth the risk. So, that’s settled.

Performers necessarily balance their urge to share with an indifference to what people think.

I am amazed how many of my friends have told me they are waiting for their parents to die before they commit suicide.

There is a special place in Purgatory for people who can dish it out but cannot take it. Either they stop dishing or start taking, or they will stay there forever.

You can keep your personal life chaotically unstable by making sure that every day you say something you can never take back.