THIS IS AN ADAPTATION OF THE STORY I PERFORMED AT THE FIRST PERSON ARTS STORY SHOW “SONG AND DANCE” AT THE KIMMEL CENTER IN PHILADELPHIA AND AT THE MOTH (DETROIT) “PERSUASION” STORY SLAM.

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Miss Etta James onstage in front of us in Philadelphia, mid-1990s

My best girl friend Mittens is a blonde bombshell. We are like male and female of the same person. Sometimes we compete to be the most ballsy. Sometimes we work together toward a common goal.

One of our rules is: If you really want something in this life, you have to come right out and ask for it.

Fifteen years ago we went to a free music festival down by the river in Philadelphia, at Penn’s Landing. We love shows, and we love free. That’s where we first heard MISS Etta James sing the song “At Last.” We had never heard of her!

Then large, lovely Etta sang “You Can Leave Your Hat On” and started to get really nasty and roll out some obscene gestures we had never seen before! The lady next to us on the lawn kept saying “Oh, she just bein’ BAD” … but we thought she was bein’ GOOD.

We had to meet this magical new person who had come into our lives, Etta James.

Another rule: We’re not afraid of famous people — we prefer them, actually.

So we ran up to the edge of the stage — after the crowd had left, Etta had left — and asked the band if we could buy them a drink. Looking down at Mittens’s… titular assets, they said Sure! Boobs get you in a lot of doors, I’ll tell you.

So half an hour later we are at their hotel bar. Wow! We’re having drinks with Etta James’s band. We’re halfway in. Eyes always on the prize.

As soon as we get our drinks I say, “So, when’s Etta coming down?”

The lead guitarist answers, “Oh, no, she’s in her room for the night.”

“Well, are you sure she can’t come down for just one drink?”

Etta’s son, who plays backup for her, says “Oh, our Mom doesn’t drink anymore. She is clean and sober now.”

That’s when Mittens tries her luck. Leaning in she says, “Well, she doesn’t have to drink alcohol! She can have a Shirley Temple! It is really the company that matters most, don’t you agree?”

The lead guitarist says, “Um, here’s the deal. Etta is old now. We have to take care of her.” He tilts his head as if to say, You understand.

We sip our drinks, and Mittens and I keep looking at the elevators. I make one last try: “What’s Etta’s room number? I can buy her some hot wings here at the bar or something and send them up there,” I say. “Mmm,” Mittens chimes in. “Hot wings. I’ll bet she’d like that.”

We were both thinking the same thing: Get the room number, split up, with Mittens keeping them occupied while I “go to the bathroom” and go upstairs to find Etta.

Changing the subject, Etta’s other son turns toward Mittens and says, “So, let’s talk about you. Are you in showbiz too?”

We would never get to meet Miss Peaches, aka Jamesetta Hawkins, aka Etta James. Our rule about asking for what you want needed to be modified. You have to be very specific. We should have asked them right up front, back at Penn’s Landing: “Hey, can we buy ETTA JAMES a drink?”

We stand up. “Thanks for the drinks,” we say.

The drummer asks, looking at Mittens: “Oh, come on, can’t we have another round?”

See, they made the same error we did. They asked us back to their hotel, but they never asked specifically, “May we have SEX with Mittens?”

I say, “Um, here’s the deal. Mittens here is tired now. I have to take care of her. You understand.”

Video of Philadelphia Show:

UPDATE! This story won the July 2010 Story Slam at The Moth – Detroit! Video below. (Sorry it’s sideways.)
See you at the Grand Slam in December…

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