TWO TOURISTS FROM DAYTON, OHIO, GET ON THE ELEVATOR AT THE HILTON GARDEN INN IN CENTER CITY PHILADELPHIA. THE ABOVE MENU IS POSTED ON THE WALL, ADVERTISING THE NIGHT’S OFFERINGS IN THE HILTON’S RESTAURANT.
WOMAN: “Oh, Harve! They have the real Philly-style beef cheesesteaks here! We should try one, since we’re in Philly! Kath from church said they’re real good.”
MAN: “Is it all-you-can-eat?”
WOMAN: “You wanna know what, I can’t tell from this. It says ‘buffet’ … doesn’t that mean all-you-can-eat?”
MAN: “You wanna know what, I think you’re right about that. But we better check first.”
WOMAN: “And they got other stuff too, like pizza, rolls, cheesecake, and that. ‘Philadelphia Cheese Cake,’ it says, which, ha-ha that’s real funny ’cause most people use Philadelphia cream cheese to make cheesecake… it doesn’t matter where they’re making it at… that’s just the brand… oh, and they got salad — I guess that’s for the vegetarians.”
MAN: “Fourteen ninety-five? Geez.”
WOMAN: “Well, hon, we’re in the city and it’s a Hilton, so it’s a little more. Come on, we’re on vacation. Let’s go up there for dinner tonight! I wanna have one of those beef cheesesteaks with all the fixin’s.”
MAN: “OK. You wanna know what, we mind as well. Then we don’t walk around lookin for sumpin to eat for hours. I like beef.”
[SEVERAL HOURS LATER. THE TOURISTS ARE MOVING THROUGH THE BUFFET LINE.]
WOMAN: “Oh, gosh, Harve. They got those cans of Cheez Whiz. Ha! Those are so bad for you. They’re real fatty. Excuse me, sir, do you have, like, Swiss cheese, or just slices of American cheese er sumpin?”
[THE BUFFET ATTENDANT HAS THE "FRESH OUT OF PRISON AND STILL ANGRY ABOUT IT" LOOK THAT IS THE SIGNATURE LOOK OF SERVICE PEOPLE (OK, ALL PEOPLE) IN PHILADELPHIA.]
BUFFET ATTENDANT: …
WOMAN: “Sir?”
MAN: “Um, sir, my wife is asking you whether you got other kinds of cheese for these beefsteaks here.”
BUFFET ATTENDANT: …
…
…
MAN AND WOMAN IN UNISON: “Sir?”
BUFFET ATTENDANT: “Whiz or nothin. What, are yuz too good for Cheez Whiz? You look like you like it. You look like you never met a can of it you didn’t inhale right into yuz mouth. Aw, don’t look at me like that. It’s all good. I’m just messin with ya. Here, hon, why don’t you go over the other table there and get a nice big Stromboli instead? They got provolone in ‘em, I think. Big ol hunks of pepperoni in there for you, too. You like that? Or is provolone not what you want either? Heh?”
MAN AND WOMAN: …
BUFFET ATTENDANT: “What, don’t yuz understand English now? ALL WE GOT HERE IS CHEESE WHIZ, DUMMY. Anybody doesn’t get Whiz on their steak has no brains anyway, what am I talking about. Get whatever ya want, I’m goin on break.”
Tags: Cheese Whiz, Cheesecake, Hilton, Philadelphia Cheesesteak, Pizza, Rolls, Stromboli, Tossed Garden Salad